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October 11, 2009 / ebretzel

Worst movie ever?

Ever start watching a movie on TV only to find out that it’s the worst movie you have ever seen? Well every once in a while we mysteriously pick up channels that we don’t normally get. Usually, the shows or movies start somewhere in the middle, and end abruptly before they are finished. Sometimes the movies rewind or fast-forward themselves. It’s weird, and mildly entertaining.

Sometimes there are good movies on, more often there are terrible ones. A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to watch a cheesy, sci-fi horror movie with vampires, aliens and zombies all rolled into one. The movie is from 1985 and it’s called “Lifeforce”

When I started watching Lifeforce, there were some astronauts bringing aliens back to earth in their spaceship. Not surprisingly, the beings were in the form of beautiful, naked women, because logically, if we were to find some space aliens that’s probably what they would look like. Mysteriously, the crew starts dying one by one and turning into shriveled, mummies until there’s just one guy left (Carlson) who escapes back to earth, but not before blowing up the entire spaceship – just in case.

The guy tells his story to his psychiatrist, Dr. Cane, and then he’s haunted in his dreams by the naked alien woman who appears to have sex with him, but also terrifies him so he wakes up screaming and sweating. Soon we find out that he was actually in cahoots with the lady back up in space, a fact he conveniently forgot to mention before. The alien woman has somehow manifested herself through Carlson and people are becoming shriveled mummies again. Uh Oh. Better go to london with Patrick Stewart in a helicopter. In the helicopter blood starts spewing out of Patrick Stewart’s (and another dude’s) mouth to the horror of Carlson and Cane. Even grosser, the blood accumulates into a floating mass that looks like a person. But then it goes away again.

Lots more stuff happens that I got to watch in fast-forward, which was ok with me.

The plot picks up again in London, where it appears that the “lifeforce” of the people is being sucked out of everyone and is flying around town in the form of a swooshy, green light. Everyone except Cane have all turned into these mindless, zombie vampires who can be killed by being stabbed just below the heart with a lead stake. Turns out the vampires of legend are actually aliens! Clever, eh? So Cane has to (slowly) run away from the undead people to find Carlson who is in a cathedral (significant?) with the naked alien woman who reveals that he was one of “them” all along and he was planted by them on earth to help them suck the life of the planet. They embrace each other, naked of course, while the green light shoots out of them and the movie ends in a grand finale when Cane throws Carlson this giant sword and Carlson stabs through the alien and also himself. This act causes the cathedral to explode, and shoots the aliens back up into their spaceship which then flies away, leaving Cane to deal with a pile of dead people in the streets.

I read a couple of reviews, I see that there are a lot of fans and I suppose at the time the special effects were probably pretty awesome. If I were a sci-fi nerd I might love it. Maybe if I had watched the whole thing I might love it. But in my experience it was a bizarre movie that tried much too hard and had gratuitous naked alien scenes.

Talk about bizarre, today I am watching The Howling II, Your Sister is a Vampire. This movie could quite possibly be worst movie ever. It is definitely topping my list so far. The following list pretty much sums it up: terrible acting, not-sexy-but-trying-to-be-sexy werewolf creatures, 80’s synthesizer sounds, a hot werewolf woman who shoots light out of her fingers, goofy scene transitions, and a couple of midget dwarves. This review really explains it better, but for the ultimate experience I think you have to see it for yourself.

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2 Comments

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  1. chrisbrummund / Oct 15 2009 7:11 pm

    Howling 2!? I remember seeing that one on TV once. My favorite part was the werewolf orgy. Twilight has got nothing on this classic film

  2. Becca / Oct 19 2009 3:47 am

    I dunno Em. Both of those sound better than some of the crap the comes out of Hollywood these days. Honestly, Dan and I were browsing IMDB yesterday and there were only about 4 movies that I actually want to see in the next 6 months:

    The Road
    Avatar
    Fantastic Mr. Fox
    Alice in Wonderland

    Every other movie is like an apocalyptic or vampire movie, OR a conspiracy starring Denzel Washington, or middle east iraq war movie starring Matt Damon. Ooh, there’s also some ludicrous looking movie coming out starring The Rock (think kindergarten-copish).

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